No subject, no photo

And then he comes to me looking for strength. It was always him, it's always been his job to be optimistic and strong. He would always call, cheer people up, talk, comfort them. Now he's coming to me for optimism. For comfort. Now it's him who needs to hear that all will be fine. And my heart breaks seeing him like that.

It will be, eventually, I'm sure of that. Maybe I'm silly in my childish faith, but there is just no other option.

Everybody's asleep. I can cry now. Tomorrow we need all the strength to comfort her.

We spin and turn, I'm in your arms and before I realise you lift me high above the crowd and spin me around and around and around. I can't sit still you say and I just smile. Somewhere in between I let go, I let feel. It's surprising, exhilarating, liberating. Intoxicating. Tempting.

'Your hands are cold'. If I was a verb I would be waiting.

Morning brings back reality with its greyscale and bitterness. Snow underneath my feet. I watch my steps.

Deja vu

Why do you keep coming back, always, continuously, stubbornly; your face, your smile, your hands, the smell of that summer, and of the following summer. Why are you still haunting me - it's not even you, I know, it's only some vision of you - cause you’re not there anymore, you’re not even you anymore. And I'm not me anymore either, not that me that you once knew.

And yet, in my mind, you’re still there and I’m still there, only wiser. And all that is happening again. What wouldn’t I do now to make it real, what would I do?

Your face on that photo, your voice in my dream, and I’m yet again finding myself in an empty space, with eyes empty and heart empty, yet aching.

This is silly, she would say, it’s only a sign how emotionally immature she is, that girl from Paris at sunset, who never felt anything like that ever again since he was gone. This is me, emotionally immature, never been able to feel anything like that ever since you were gone.

I always do it a*%#wise

- Don't you wish something had happened earlier?
- I do - I say, and, much to my surprise, I mean it.

In the morning I was the king of the world, I was smile and energy.

Now I'm a pile of fears, aches, emotional rebound and smudgy mascara.

Traces of thoughts in my head - that this was a wrong call *again*, that instead of making things better, I made them worse. And those quiet, treachery voices, whispering doubts and fears right into my ear - will you ever be normal, will it ever be normal, fun, will it ever be pain-free, fear-free, will it ever be about enjoyment, not survival and lucky escape.

I might need some sleep.

I could do with an embrace too; I could even overlook that snoring.
Just for tonight.

Aloha mai

IKE The world is what you think it is "I am aware".

KALA There are no limits "I am free".

MAKIA Energy flows where attention goes "I am focused".

MANAWA Now is the moment of power "I am here".

ALOHA To love is to be happy with "I am happy".

MANA All power comes within "I am confident".

PONO Effectiveness is the Measure of Truth "I am positive".

Seven days of lomi lomi nui workshops. Seven days of looking into yourself and others, of stepping shyly on the unknown paths. Seven days of energy flow, of morning ritual, of listeninig to the Ocean breathing as you welcomed the day. Seven days of bonding with yourself and others, on emotional, mental and physical level. Seven days of harmony, hard work, challenges and meaningful dreams.

Going back to hedge funds was never meant to be easy.

The yearning for something meaningful in life is hard to ignore once it's awoken. The time of change is coming. A change in life, a change in attitude, or a change in acceptance of the path you're on and the direction the path is taking you.
Time will tell.

Mirage no 1

For the days to come - far too soon, mind you - days with bleak sunrays and long evenings, cold winds and warms blankets on your feet.

Their scent is already in the air. You can see their footprints everywhere. This chilly breeze in the evening when you struggle your way through the laughing crowd, still in their summer spirits. This quietness of the twilight that posesses the world for few precious minutes earlier and earlier everyday. This rain on your face, no longer warm, and those frequent rainbows colouring the sky on the East.

They are coming, and there is nothing we can do.

Or maybe - just maybe - we can dance?